Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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