You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
