I think I am morally bankrupt
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
