Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
