my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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