sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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