I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
