She is in my trunk
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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