I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
