I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
