Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
