remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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