His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
