Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
