i don't like sucking hair
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
