soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
