I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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