3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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