Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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