bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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