Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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