...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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