Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
