Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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