the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
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She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.