my phone needs a breathalizer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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