when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
