He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
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Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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