there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
