someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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