Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
