sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
