since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
