Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
