Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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