Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
