so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
