Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
