I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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