My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have aggressive nipples.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
