1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
