I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
