So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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