i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
