my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
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He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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