just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
