i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
