yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
