Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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