at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
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I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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