You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
