I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
