i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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