You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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